The Heart Not Stilled

“Have you ever wanted something so badly that you just lose perspective of it?”
Rodrigo, Mozart in the Jungle

It’s Christmas break, 2015/2016, and I’ve spent most of my time during this much needed break spending time with the people I love, and pondering all of the directions I’m moving in. I have recently felt the Holy Spirit teaching me patience in many areas, and I continue to be reminded daily of my reliance on His guidance in some difficult decisions I need to face, and directions I am being pulled in. Yet, I struggle to quiet my restlessness, to slow my pace long enough to pray and wait on God’s lead. I have spent the past year in full-fledged busyness, trying to work on productivity in work and school, and intentiality with people, among other ventures. I don’t know anymore what adaptability and performance looks or feels like without directing my attention and energy in several directions synchronously.

How can I pause and reflect without losing ground in some area or another?
How can I calm my mind long enough to sit in awe of God and speak to him about my cares and concerns when my mind never wants to slow?
How can I be still and know that He is there, and not be sorting through something or pushing forward, even in my mind, when I am forced daily to compartmentalize so many directions and move in all directions at once?

It’s not that I don’t have the desire, it’s that I haven’t been able to figure out how to stop my mind long enough to fulfill the desire.

How did I get to this place?

A year ago, I was still feeling new to my job that I started in September 2014. Besides facing the daily challenges of work (and loving it, by the way!), I was attempting to compartmentalize my academic studies to only when I was at home, which was brief spurts of time during evenings and weekends. Even with a full-time job, and a full-time academic schedule, I was also working on refreshing my faith by joining and attending a local Perspectives class. Through that class, my mind and heart were opened to a world of possibilities, fears, concerns, questions, doubts, hopes, and insecurities. I started exploring what my life would look like if I focused on investing in people more, and especially if I began trusting God in some brand new ways. I honestly feel that I poured myself into those goals, whether I reached a destination of some kind or not. All of that was during the first 5 months of the year. In time, I finished my academic semester, Perspectives concluded around the same time, and was getting my feet on the ground at work. I was refreshed, reawakened, and simultaneously exhausted.

By summer, I was ready for a break, but I decided I would continue my academics with a summer class. I had momentum; I didn’t want to lose it. Somewhere in the middle of summer is when it happened to me though. I was going along on my journey, and it hit me all at once that I felt like I couldn’t slow down. I was missing things with people I wanted to be spending my time with. I was so determined to do well in work and school that I began to take myself too seriously in both areas. I was skipping going to church or seeing my friends and family because I needed time to study, or sleep, or do my laundry. Because even simple chores like throwing dirty clothes and some soap into the machine, felt taxing to me. My priorities were all screwy, and I felt that I was to blame. It was my fault for choosing to take a summer class. It was my fault for thinking that I could focus on self-improving, and succeed at it, while also investing in people. Throughout this part of my year, something inside of me yearned to disconnect from everything. The busyness that I started my year with was suffocating me. The hopes of growth that I had in mind at the beginning were now doubts and frustrations that blocked my ability to find pleasure and joy in the simple things I had once cherished. Everything was something scheduled, everything was mundane. It was like I had begun a marathon without preparation, and I was beginning to notice that I could no longer control my legs or feel the fire in my lungs; I couldn’t stop going, I had no capacity for adjusting my pace, I had no reference point for how I was supposed to handle my new experiences.

Then, with little intermission, my summer responsibilities turned into my fall responsibilities, but by that time in the year, it didn’t matter to me anymore what the season was. There were days or weeks at a time that were completely dictated by deadlines, which, really, when you think about it, equaled months, and even an entire year that was dictated by deadlines and schedules. By that time, I was used to telling people I couldn’t see them because I had to write a paper or study for an exam. I was used to reading textbooks on my lunch break, then spending hours every night studying, and looking forward, not to the weekend, but to the X’s I used to cross off the many assignments I had on my calendar. In September, I heard the pastor at my family’s church was offering a systematic theology class, so I prayed about it for a few days, even though my mind was made up: I would take that class too, because it sounded like something I needed in my life, and I didn’t want to miss the opportunity. It’s funny how the choice to not miss one opportunity can lead you to miss other things; like free time.
(I should insert here that even though I sound resentful of the burden of deadlines and schedules, I also believe that those things are good for me, because without them I can get overwhelmed with not knowing what to do next. The issue I was facing in the crux of the semester was not a lack of abundance; it was the weight of abundance in every direction. I was overwhelmed.)

The blur of the year ended with the blurry end of the fall semester, some quality time with friends and family, and a whole lot of consideration about what’s next. For the past few weeks, I’ve found myself feeling unsettled by the lack of busyness I became accustomed to for at least the past 11½ months. Which, brings me back to my opening questions:

How can I pause and reflect?
How can I calm my mind long enough to sit in awe of God and speak to him about my cares and concerns?
How can I be still and know that He is there?

(Notice this time I wrote each question without an excuse at the end.)

 My impatience with myself, my life, reaching goals, crossing items off to-do lists and calendar pages, has brought me to this place. My ability to pause and enjoy has become overshadowed by my impatience. My ability to be hard working and successful without compromising my time with the people I love has been tinged with impatience. My ability to sit before my Lord and Savior and lose track of time has been lost to my impatience. My capacity for appreciating the abundance in every direction is hindered by an anchor of impatience. Already, just a few days into 2016, I can feel myself being pulled in many directions, with the weight of impatience in every direction. My prayer and my hope for this year is to embrace the power of patience. In relationships, in health goals, in financial goals, in my academics, in work accomplishments, and whatever else 2016 brings, I hope that I can re-learn patience unceasingly. A year from now, I want to be able to reflect on all of the rewards and blessings that came from trying to be patient in all things. A year from now, I would love to look back and see evidence in my life of waiting on God to lead and guide me, of responding to that guidance with more patience, and action. I want to have that discipline overflow from my prayers; into my mind, into my heart, into my attitudes, into my emotions, into my behaviors, into my actions, and into my relationships.

 “…And the vessel was not full, the mind was not satisfied, the soul was not calm, the heart not stilled.” From Siddhartha (pg.7), by Herman Hesse

The secret signature of each soul.

“Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of--something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possesed your soul have been but hints of it--tantalizing glimspes, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest--if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself--you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say 'Here at last is the thing I was made for.' We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the things we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all.” -Clive Staples Lewis

I think Lewis will always be my favorite author. There's something grandfatherly and soothing about the way he grabs on to a bundle of his inspiriting thoughts and gently arranges them into paragraph after paragraph of marked passion and lucidity. He is honest, provoking, and genius.

I appreciate rainy days, because unlike rays of sunlight that draw me out and away from my innermost rumination, rain drops push me further inward to reflect a little more deeply. And sometimes I need little rain drop reminders to help me remember what my day-to-day priorities are doing to help me reach my bigger-picture priorities.

This quote from Lewis is one of my favorites, and I was reminded of it today when skimming through an old book. I think it was ideal timing. I was sitting there thinking about how I'm two days away from celebrating my one month anniversary at my new job, and then something dawned on me--This is it, this is all I can see right now. I am in awe of the blessing of this new job, and I don't know how many months will turn into how many years before my next "this is it" moment happens to me; when I can no longer see past that thing; when I feel blessed by something else. I was wondering what my next one month anniversary of something will be. I can't see into my future, I can't know what is about to happen in the next chapters of my life.

One cool think that happens to me when I read Lewis' thoughts above, is that when he says, "...While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all", I don't think about my job, or my friendships, or my education, or even my relationships with my family; the most treasured things in my life all fade. The thing that I can no longer see past, the thing that is what everything else hinges on; my "While I am, this is. If I lose this, I lose all", is my relationship with God.

And I know that I will never lose it; I am comforted by the fact that I will always be with Him, in this lifetime, and the next; I will never have to doubt what my "Here at last is the thing I was made for" actually is; I know the secret signature of my soul.

God has reached my soul, and I refuse to evade that "...incommunicable and unappeasable want".

A little update about my BIG news.

A little over a month ago I wrote a blog about life changes and my weaknesses that make life changes difficult for me. At the time, I had no idea how drastically my life would change in the following month. To explain, let me back up a little farther…

About a year ago I started considering my desire to find a new job. I wanted to feel challenged, and appreciated. I wasn't miserable, but I was just getting by, and I was in a rut intellectually. Every day I struggled to feel the passion that I previously felt towards my work, and I could tell that it was ceaselessly dwindling. Eventually, necessity drove me to begin my job search. I started seeking a job change A WHOLE YEAR AGO, and this month, I finally got THE job; the job that answered my prayers; the job that will provide; the job that will challenge me.

After a year, which included days worth of time spent filling out hundreds of applications, a handful of call backs that led to interviews, and just three official job offers; After more than two months without an income; I finally landed the job that is going to change my life.

This is week one, you guys, and I can already tell that it's going to change my life! I feel like I couldn't be more peaceful, renewed, and ecstatic about a job.

Okay, so I've updated about that HUGE answered prayer. Now I'm thinking about what's next. What's going to take place in my life from this point forward? What other things do I need to pay attention to that I have possibly neglected while I was so busy waiting for a job?

Going back to my reference about my last blog post…
In that post, I mentioned some questions that I would soon take the time to answer, and I think they are very relevant to where my head is at now. So here goes:


1. Where Am I?

Right now, I'm in such a good place. I am at the beginning of some big ventures in the professional/academic areas of my life. I am happily investing as much as I can, as often as I can, in the lives of my family and friends, and I am receiving blessings from all of them all the time as well. I can honestly say that I am super content and peaceful.

2. What Do I Need to Leave Behind?

I think the biggest thing I need to leave behind is any type of regret or doubt about all of the huge decisions that I have made this year. I know that I've had to make some really tough calls about some really big adjustments, and I need to release myself from feeling some kind of anxiety about which were the right decisions, and whether or not the timing was good or bad, etc. I need to stop over-thinking things.

3. Who Do I Want to Be and How am I Going to Get There?

I am employee, colleague, student, daughter, sister, aunt, friend…and I don't really want to be anything different at the moment, I just want to be all of those things, and do it well. I'm just going to keep working hard to be myself and enjoy the people around me.

4. Where is There Room For Growth?

I need to work on cultivating the right relationships with the people in my life, and allowing myself to be vulnerable more often. I also need to work on getting back into shape. I want to get out of my habit of watching TV or a movie to relax, and instead read a good book, FOR FUN--no textbooks. I want to continue to grow at my new job. I want to work harder to be present wherever I am at the moment, not preoccupied with anything else.


5. Who Do I Want By My Side?

 Obviously God is more than just "by my side," but I definitely want to continue to pay attention to him.
Also, my family, my best friends, and maybe even some new friends; …but mainly God and my family.


6. What Are My Motivations?

My faith motivates me and gives me the strength to face the toughest things. I wouldn't have been able to write this same story had I not relied entirely on my faith carrying me through the thick of my crazy year, and not just the one year, but my life as a whole. God's guidance and provision is perfect.
My family motivates me to want to care more and love harder.
My friends motivate me to keep seeking new perspective and to make having fun a priority from time to time.
My academic goals motivate me to try to achieve good grades and actually take my knowledge with me after I pass each class.
My professional goals motivate me to apply my work ethic and integrity to every task, and not avoid my challenges.
My desire to always move forward and continually attempt to feel more and more alive is what pushes me through each day with a healthy sense of humor and streak of ornery optimism.

An Honest Reflection

I think for some people transitions and growth just happen to them and they don’t really flinch or notice changes, because they are highly adaptable people who thrive on challenges and inhale energy the way that I thrive on complacency and inhale inertness. I might be wrong. Maybe everyone deals with all sorts of inner turmoil in every new phase of their life. Maybe everyone else just makes it look easy. I don’t know.

But I know this: I am not, by nature, an ambitious person. 

I remember when I was a little girl, I had a propensity toward certain things, but I was always too anxious about failure or vulnerability to practice or perfect those things. I didn’t want to seek affirmation in any way, because that meant putting it all on the line and risking exposure. Vulnerability is kind of my kryptonite; it often stops me from progression. I didn’t excel at any one area in particular in my past because I put more effort in appearing effortless and indifferent than just doing the work of becoming really great at something. No one thing ever became “my thing”, because I didn’t dedicate myself to anything. 

School? I enjoyed the subjects that were naturally easy for me, hated everything else, and didn’t learn what it was like to really apply myself to studying, and then succeeding, until college. I didn’t care until I was older, I was paying for it, and it mattered more to me. 

Sports? I enjoyed it when I was young enough that winning wasn’t the most important thing, and the coach’s main strategy was to get us to pay attention or not pick our noses on the field. As the game got more intense, I thrived on the high notes and got really bummed out when I could tell I didn’t play hard enough. I did try, but I never cared enough to keep going. When my friends’ passion for competing and winning began outgrowing my own, I decided my time as a softball player was over. I didn’t ever try to be good at any other sports, because competition did not come naturally for me. I never looked back.

Creativity? I loved imagining, altering things, and making things. I remember spending hours and hours on my own, just pretending and thinking, never once feeling lonely. I could be uninhibited when I was on my own doing something creative, and that is honestly when I thrived the most. There were no inward or outward competitions; it was natural for me. But I was conservative with my creative tendencies. I refused to try too hard, I didn’t try to push myself further, I just sort of coasted along with whatever skills I could muster up at any given time. In my mind, practicing would mean risking not actually getting better, and just thinking I was better than I actually was. It did not mean nearing perfection.

Relationships? As long as I didn't have to put a lot of effort in, I enjoyed my friendships. As long as I was being cared about without needing to expose my own feelings, I would "allow" people to be in my life. If it seemed fun, organic, and exciting to get to know someone, I wanted in on it. When it got more tricky, I would passively drift on to the next friend who would temporarily satiate my need for companionship without them getting past the walls guarding my insecurities. I guarded those walls more protectively than I guarded my friendships. I suffered from it, friends suffered from it, and I was not good at being relational.

These are just a few examples of my weak areas. I’m not being modest or humble. I really was a scared, insecure, little girl. And I am still so much like that scared, little girl. As a teenager, I was pretty introspective and withdrawn at times, and sometimes I was okay. I was just a really awkward person. I had friends, I did fun things, but I felt awkward all the time. As an adult, that internal struggle has carried over into other areas. I can be indecisive, I can be noncommittal, I can be lethargic about changes, I can be stubbornly independent, I can be anti-social, and I can most certainly lack confidence and fear vulnerability. These are the things that come to me naturally. It is organic for me to just drift in the midst of these weaknesses; to be apathetic about the why’s or how’s of my life and my relationships.

All of this information from my past is why I do not understand how I have my feet so firmly grounded right now. An honest reflection of my natural tendencies would not show THIS life, this calmness, or this aptitude for optimism. Despite myself, I have chosen the harder path in at least a few areas of my life, and I have chosen to push myself and will myself to succeed in those areas. I have worked on being pliable with other people, with my circumstances, and with myself. I have learned how to draw on the strengths of others and feel confident about my own strengths. (I have learned what strengths I have.) I have learned how to commit to and face challenges, rather than withdraw from them. I have developed an ability to know when to be fiercely relational rather than seclude myself with my anti-socialness. I now know that loyalty and authenticity will reach others without needing to make myself feel awkward and exposed. I have discovered that vulnerability, while still terrifying at times, is often the precipice holding me back just before greatness is reached. I can make decisions now that I never could have fathomed making when I was younger. I guess I could just attribute all of it to me growing up and being an adult. But I see more in my life than just growing up.

This is not just about maturity; it’s about spiritual life. It's an alive-ness that is overwhelming even before it has reached its full potential. I'm not finished yet, but I can tell something is very different now than how it was before, and I believe I'm still being made new. I'm not perfect in any way, I still have weaknesses, but I'm so much more alive and well now.

I know that without God’s grace, through Christ’s gift, using the Holy Spirit’s power to modify me, I would not be so firmly grounded and in touch with these strengths. In fact, I wouldn’t even have these strengths. Maybe someone reading this doesn’t believe in God or in his ability to change people’s hearts, but I have tried to look at my life and my heart with other lenses, for sure, and God’s grace honestly is just the most likely explanation for all that I am, and all that I hope for. I was being changed before I was an adult, before I practiced maturity. It was not my own doing. If you ever see anything good in me, please know that it comes from God.

One of my favorite quotes ever describes this process of being changed:

"This is the glory and miracle of grace, that God, through the Holy Spirit, is able to transform a stubborn, rebellious, and unbelieving will into a passionate, obedient, believing will without violating the integrity of the individual or diminishing the voluntary nature of one's decision to trust Christ for salvation." -Sam Storms

It was voluntary, I chose to welcome God in my life, but it was out of my hands as to how and when he would be working in me.

The past few years have been full of transitions bigger than anything before, yet I know that bigger transitions are coming. I’m thinking about all of this because I read a blog about questions to ask myself when life is changing. And I started thinking about how far I’ve come, and how much work I have ahead. It scares me, but I also feel more hopeful than ever. It’s an eager hope, anticipation. More than willingness, it’s readiness, like I’m being prepared for it.

I’ll be writing a blog soon with my answers to the questions. But in the meantime, think about your answers.