Profound realizations.

I do not open my eyes and wake up each morning just to stay in bed.

I do not get out of bed just to stand still and not go anywhere.

I do not go places just to be invisible and never do anything.

I do not take action just to do some thing that means nothing to me, I do some thing because it's the very thing I'm supposed to be doing at that moment.

I do not do these things without being seen by others and without ever knowing another person.


I do not want to meet new people or keep in touch with my past without a more significant meaning behind it.

I do not want to be silent in this world.

I do not want to avoid anything.

I have passions, desires, interests, opportunities, and I will seek each and every thing that I choose to seek.

I will live in the moment while simultaneously seeking the future and remembering my great past; great, not because it is spectacular to anyone else, but because it is my very own.

I have these things, think these things, feel these things, am these things; there is no avoiding myself.



...But all of this would only be enough purpose for me had I not already experienced a greater reality outside of all of it. This world; the things, the people, the majestic places my eyes have never seen--this whole planet and the whole universe--they are not enough.

They would have been, had I never experienced God. But now I know Him, and he knows me. I will say it and claim it as much as I can, where ever I am. Without shame, without fear, and without doubt.

Christ is my eternal Savior, and His love; my daily comforter.
God is my Lord, my Shepherd, my Father; and I am His servant, his sheep, and his beloved child.
The Holy Spirit is my lifeforce, my guardian, and my counselor.
And they are all one in the same.

My reality exists because they exist. My life has meaning because they are my life.

In Christ alone my hope is found; nothing else will satiate.

"Be careful that you do not refuse to listen to the One who is speaking. For it the people of Israel did not escape when they refused to listen to Moses, the earthly messenger, we will certainly not escape if we reject the One who speaks to us from heaven! When God spoke from Mount Sinai his voice shook the earth, but now he makes another promise: 'Once again I will shake not only the earth but the heavens also.' This means that all of creation will be shaken and removed, so that only unshakeable things will remain. Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakeable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire."
Hebrews 12: 25-29

John 3:30

I was like the wind, I was my flesh.
On what I am made of,
I was nothing;
a weak human force.
Pointless breaths, 
but to be a prize in pointless conversations.
For better and for worse.

Less of me, less of me...

Love does not reshape the earth
or move the heavens.
But how love can mess the arrangement of lives!
Circling like a cynical vulture,
waiting to devour our minds.

For better and for worse.


Less of me, less of me...

Evil is not the opposite of good,
and hate is not evil.
I was not good, but I hated evil.
I was not evil, but I hated what I was becoming.
Time to choose.
From creation to commitment; to future glory.
For better and for worse.

Less of me, less of me...

Light reflection, eyes with tunnel vision.
How could I have ever found you on my own?
A supernatural life force inside,
I am no longer what has once died.
For better and for worse, forever.
I want less of me and more of you.

Loving others; introspection to introgression.

I pulled the following writings from my cousin's phenomenal blog, although she is not the original author, she found them worthy of displaying on her site. I also found them worthy of being pondered, written about, and passed along as necessary life lessons which, I think, we should all always consider ourselves in need of. :)

One of my greatest lessons learned:
Know that everyone has a story.
If you disagree with someone or find them hurtful or offensive or they trigger any major feeling inside you...be purposeful in asking.
Do not merely listen to their story.
Hear it.
Let it change you.
This has radically altered my life. It has brought much complication and pain, much joy and happiness. It has forced me to trade understanding for judgment and kindness for anger.
Please get very good at it so you can remind me, when I forget.

-written by Christine on her blog here.

I’ve learned that I have no idea who my teachers are. When I am silently ruminating over how I think I know more than some person who is irritating me, I am more likely shutting down the voice of a teacher that I need to learn something from.

I’ve learned that kindness is not something I merely indulge myself in when everything is going my way, but is a discipline I need to practice – especially when I feel tired, irritated, or feel like I have a justifiable complaint against someone. Being mean is being lazy.

-Excerpted from this blog.


I think that last line of the second author's thoughts sums up what importance lies in where our priorities will be. As we live on earth with the rest of the other lost and broken pieces of humanity we call fellow human beings, our soul's possible connection to anything rests on whether or not we can give and take love; our lives often rest on whether or not our souls can connect. Therefore, the valuable gestures of reaching out to other people is not just something that makes us or the other person feel good for just a few moments, or mere hours, it's something that has the potential to alter the existence of those two people for eternity.

As a Christ-follower, my faith is based on the fundamental and eternal truth that Christ's love for me, and my belief that he is all I need, has made my eternity reach it's fullest potential, and that his love within me is what gives me the ability to reach that potential, and to help coast others to the same kind of potential.

Paul paints a resplendent description of our humanness being touched by the power of God in 2 Corinthians 4. For me this passage arranges an immovable passion and awareness in my heart for bearing the weight of life with others, and for others, whenever I can. In verse 7 he states that while we now have God's light shining in our hearts, we are still just like fragile clay jars trying to contain a great treasure. Meaning that while we are now holding something bigger than ourselves, it does not happen by our own power, and it is not our power which causes that powerful light to remain with us. Paul goes on to talk about what our fragile human spirits will most likely need to endure as we bear the weight of life, about how and why we endure through it all, and he encourages us in his closing statements regarding the eternity we await.

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.
We are perplexed but not driven to despair. (v.8)

We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.
We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.(v.9)

But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, "I believed in God, so I spoke."(v.11, referring to Psalm 116:10)

...And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. (v. 15)

For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we can see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. (v.17&18)

 Another (more famous) passage Paul wrote also comes to mind, one verse in particular:

If I gave everything I had to the poor and sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing.
    1 Corinthians 13:3

*

Think about that.


If God sent Jesus, and Jesus didn't love us even in his death, what would he have gained? What would have been accomplished? The story of the cross loses some of it's miracle and power when we erase love from Christ's heart as he is pierced and abused for our sake that day. The words of God in scripture would be so much less emotionally gravitating if we took out every mention of his love for us. I would find it so much harder to feel passionate about a God who is only just, only wrath, only judgement, etc. His love is what holds our existence together; his love is what offers an alternative option, now and forever. His love is what instills our desires to love him back, to worship him, to devote our time and thoughts to him, to land on our knees as prayerful tears touch our faces; his love is what creates love within us.

As I go over these thoughts, as I try to imagine every area of my life in which I can apply Christ's love, and I am overwhelmed with the unending range I have left to cover; if I start this second, applying these lessons to my life, and never fail again for as long as I live, it will still not be enough. Not even close.

 But if all I do is think about it, it will be the same as not caring at all. So I have no other option but to move forward with this inner meandering of mine and turn it into outward action that the world cannot ignore. :)



*The Mumford & Sons song, "Awake My Soul" (which you can find on my playlist), has the perfect lyrics to correlate with this particular topic of rumination:

In these bodies we will live; In these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love, you invest your life.

Florence Ann.

"April 15th, 2011

Today my Grandma turned 82. My mom and I made the 4 hour (at least) drive to visit her and celebrate her birthday and her life up to this point. We left early enough to arrive just in time to have lunch with Grandma and some other family members, and then visit for a while.

During our time here we were privileged enough to sit in on a special 16th anniversary party at the home where she is staying. I don't think it was a coincidence that her birthday and this particular event intertwined for a day, nor the fact that we got to be here for it. The administrator, Dee, held a special service for all of the residents, and I was blown away by how well she knew all of the residents so well. She brought each person to the front of the room and sat them in a chair of honor, as she spoke affectionately about them, as if they were part of her own family. She accurately described each person's individual talents, personalities, and unique presence that they bring to the home to make it feel like a home.

I wasn't really expecting to enjoy the ceremony, if I'm being honest, but I was taken back by how cool it was to learn about each of these people's lives. Hearing about the fun stories and liveliness everyone contributes to the home made me feel less anxious about being surrounded by the "much older and wiser" crowd, which I will admit is my typical feeling around people who are more advanced in age. :) I usually can't help but wonder if they're all happy with who they are, and satisfied with their lives, and things like that. It gets me thinking about my own life, and wondering if I will be satisfied when I reach that age, or if I will ever really be ready for when that day comes, if it does come. As Dee spoke, I listened to the diversity of people in the room, and all the great things that everyone loves about them. I tried to guess what she would have to say about my Grandma, and then it dawned on me that I knew exactly what she was going to say.

My Grandma is one of the few people I know who genuinely and unconditionally loves people, especially her enormous clan of children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Not to mention the bountiful mix of other relatives to fill her time thinking about. She has always seemed to have such an extraordinary understanding of how precious time is, and has always cherished spending her time with her family, or thinking about her family, or praying for them. So this afternoon when Dee told the room how blown away she was the first time she realized how consumed my Grandmother's mind was with prayers and adoring thoughts for her family and friends, and even more so, how spiritually minded she was, and how that love for God shines out of her like sunshine, I was not surprised even for a second. I knew she was right, and I was completely in awe of how my Grandma had found this day, the first day of her eighty-second year of life, with such amazing success, in my opinion. How incredibly blessed she has been to have had a life of faith, and to have been constantly surrounded by an abundance of family members who truly love her.

I heard Dee's words with a certain amount of pride in my heart to know that I was the Granddaughter of the amazing woman sitting in the chair at the front of the room, and it became clear to me that if I ever get to a point where I am half as blessed as my Grandma has been, I would be content. And I am so grateful that I was born into a family so held together by that faith and love, which she is a fantastic example of."

About two months have gone by since I wrote that note in my journal. Two very short months ago my Grandma was not so bad, not great, but she was still so aware, and alive, and happy. I talked to her, and she asked me questions about my job and things. We all ate lunch and laughed together, and we all took her for a walk outside. As she held onto my arm while we walked, I remembered all the times we had walked hand-in-hand down her long driveway at the farm in Meriden when I was a little girl, only then I wasn't the one holding her up, it was her pulling me along. The breeze outside carried the smell of her sweater to my nose, and it smelled exactly like I remembered. There's something charming and magical about that sweet smell of my Grandmother's sweaters.

Now that we are nearing the time to say "good-bye", it is bittersweet to recall these things. I love thinking on it, but it makes me sad to know that soon those memories will be all I have left of her. It is a true heartache to try to face the "good-bye" part of life, but it is almost unbearable to watch someone you care about be in the state of health my Grandma is in now. Right now our entire family is praying for her to be able to go "home" quickly, and I know God has things under control. For those of us who have chosen to believe in, and commit our lives to Christ, I know this good-bye is temporary until it's our turn to go to heaven to be with the Lord. And I know that the same memories about Grandma that make our hearts sing now, will only intensify as we come together to meditate on the wonderful life she had, and the blessings of all that she was to everyone she knew. She has been the glue to hold this family together for 60 years, her life and her example of marvelous faith and love will be carried on through every child, grandchild, and great-grandchild who experienced her authenticity throughout those many years.

"IDON'TKNOW."

...I took some notes, I swished it all around in my mind for a minute, but I couldn't let it rest.

-How do I become authentic, vulnerable and transparent?
I am hypocritical, cowardly, and guarded.
I am not enough, yet I refuse to ask what is enough.
I make my own decisions and I deal with my own consequences, but how does that connect me to others?
I am stubborn, impatient, independent, and irrational at times; So how do I let other people into my world?
Am I keeping too much to myself?
ISN'TTHATTHEPOINT?

Those who say the live in God should live their lives as Jesus did. 1 John 2:6

I haven't figured out yet exactly what this means for me, but I know I am definitely not loving like Jesus did. So there's the beginning...

Quick, time for an update.

This is what I'm reading right now.

^Life-changing, mind-blowing, perspective renewing stuff right there.

There are no ordinary people.

C.S. Lewis once wrote:
"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immortal horrors or everlasting splendours."

(From his sermon titled "The Weight of Glory")

I thought this was an interesting perspective of the future of our souls in eternity, and I can't help but wonder: If we could really understand and glimpse what is to become of each other, how differently would we all treat one another?

"Not really, no."

About 3 hours ago a friend posed some questions on his Facebook status:

"Don't you believe we are more than just mammals - that we have soul and feeling and purpose? Don't you believe we were created for something more meaningful?"


A friend of his then stated:
 "Not really, no. Honestly. To be human is beautiful, but we don't need a soul, a creator, or a purpose for that to be true."

This really got me thinking. Those words, "Not really, no." struck a nerve in me.

I'm going to be honest, I have never in my life been faced with doubt of whether or not I had a soul, or a purpose. From diapers 'til present, I have been exposed to and taught about the concept of things like God, eternity, souls, heaven, and hell. I haven't always taken it seriously, but I could never bring myself to let go of these things as facts. They have always been true to me, and I could never fathom how anyone didn't find them as just that, facts. I can't imagine walking through life asking myself if I had a soul, and then honestly answering, "Not really, no." My perspective may be biased, but as I'm just now exploring the question of having a soul or not, I wanted to share my thoughts.

I think if we disbelieve that we have a soul, our opinion is discounted. To explain, I have to also say that it is my belief that while our brains are beyond phenomenal, and are much needed in order to have knowledge enough to form our opinion, it is a soul which creates the opinion. To me, you cannot explain things like art, beauty, philosophy, dreams, or opinions, with just a physical mind, but with the individual soul, which is created to be creative. The brain is the knowledge reservoir, the soul is what turns it to wisdom and life. (This thought is similar to the philosophy of the mind term, Dualism.)

I think my favorite thought on this is from one of my favorite people ever, C.S. Lewis:

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."

To me, God gave me a soul, created in his image, so that I can have a relationship with him and love him. I couldn't do that with just my mind and my own understanding. He gives us our phenomenal human body to carry our soul while we're here, and it's because we're here that we know we have a purpose.

What is the point of having a soul and a relationship with God, and then also a body?
The body seems unimportant and useless from this view point; inhabiting time here on earth rather than skipping the whole process and being directly created for an eternity with God in heaven.

God didn't want to just create us there with him, he wants us to have a choice, and to choose it. Our soul is how his existence can reach us, our life is designed to bring glory to him, and our free will allows us to reject that or believe it. Our purpose is not just to choose Him, but to also tell the world about him once we have faith in Him, so that no one is left asking "What's next?". If it weren't for those things, we could have easily skipped a lot of this process of making our way back to our intended destination, eternity with God. We have a great responsibility with the short time God has given us. He could have made us as mere clones, or angelic beings constantly worshiping him forever without having a choice in the matter. But he didn't. Don't you think there's a reason for that? I believe that He did give us a soul, He did give us a body, He did give us a purpose, and He has also given us reasons to trust Him.

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?

Do without. (It's fun.)

A bag to hold your gifts is carrying what you could do so much with.
Isn't it obvious?

To wait is to find.
To follow is laborious, and staying is difficult for anybody who thinks it's not.

Tiny jumbo thoughts ringing in your limbs,
moving with your brain and rhyming all your hands can say.

If I could, I would.
I want to say it, but it's hard to find words for what I'm doing.

Practicing a word or two.
May I?

A thousand and a half add up, but just two can link "now" with final.
I think I'll show you how, in smooth illustration,
what writing can do if you go without using just a minor thing:

The Letter E.

This is the correlation of salvation and love .

Last night I was talking to some of my friends about our relationships with God. Some of our questions were things like:

What has changed in the last year between you and God?
What has God done for you?
What are some things you do that keep you in step with God?


At one point during our dialoging, the thought was offered that in order to be successfully experiencing God, we have to be ready to endure the things which end up revealing him to us, as well as revealing him to others through us. We have to be willing to invest in him, and alter ourselves to be more like him, so that he seeps out of our lives, into the lives of others.

Years ago, there was a time when I was uninterested in everything that God and the Bible stands for, and I was not easily persuaded to think or feel any differently. Don't think for a second that I never faced doubt, or that I never had a chance to choose the alternative to belief in my God. It's not that I haven't questioned it; I have questioned. I have fought it, and there was no chance that church, or Christianity itself would have ever caught my attention long enough to truly create a change of heart. I have not been fooled by any organization, by a system of rules and laws, or brain washed into wasting my time with a god who doesn't exist. Instead, this is what happened: As I was losing my interest and walking out on God, he re-introduced himself to me in a way that I couldn't deny. It wasn't that he suddenly proved himself to me, it wasn't that I suddenly understood, and I honestly can't fully explain the transformation in myself between then and now, but I do know without a doubt that he is very real, very alive, and very powerful. He appeals to my soul's every desire, he draws me to him, and having now recognized the power of his life within me, I cannot return to any other thing for that ultimate satiation. Despite myself, I have fallen in love with God. It's not because it always made sense to me, I am merely responding to the charm of the Almighty here and now in my life, and I will never, ever be able to turn back.

I have heard the expression many times: God is all about relationships.
The point of having God in our life is not for a set of rules or to ritually worship him. It's not about being good enough, or getting better, or being fixed: God longs for restoration of his relationship with us, and has provided a way to reconcile us to him, so long as we will desire him back. He only asks us to react to him, not to reach him on our own. All of it is merely for glorifying him.
I've always thought of this explanation as a kind of feel-good idea about God; It's far easier to consider him when it sounds so simple.
My friend Mandy shared last night that she has heard this expression before, but it had never connected to the perception she has of actual relationships with other people here on earth. Every relationship requires investment and sacrifice. A getting-to-know-you phase, then learning what it means to care for and respect someone, then committing yourself to that person. Sometimes not in that order, but regardless, there is definitely always a method of developing intimacy with other people. This applies to friendships, relatives, and significant others alike. You have to give part of yourself for the sake of the other, there has to be a two-way contribution to call it a relationship.

I too had never fully connected what that meant, and as I examined this new found ideation, I reflected on what my parts in other relationships look like, and I caught something I had never perceived before about my relationship with God:

Calling the bond between me and God a relationship is not just a way to make it appear more personal, or effortless. In fact, calling it a relationship implies more need for scrupulousness than defining it as commission of some religion. Viewing this restored bond as more than just salvation from some far off hell, or a duty to honor some far off God, suddenly engages more responsibility on my part than just saying, yeah, I believe in God. It's no longer about what I have to do, or what I shouldn't do. It's about choosing to participate in this relationship because I long for the results. I yearn for more of God, I want to know him, the same way I want to get to know my friends. That's what it's all about.

As I learn more about others, I learn more about myself. When I see the things in other people that I admire or dislike, I also discover things about myself worth keeping, the things I am willing to stand up for, and also the things I need to compromise for someone else's sake. I appreciate and value certain people enough to change, others I don't, or else it takes time. Likewise, as I get to know God more and more, I am constantly being shown exactly what about myself I can tolerate in his presence, and what things I need to seriously extricate from my life. He is the single most important thing about my life, and he is the only one who could ever cause me to genuinely apply the guidelines of living as his child to my life.

Some people find their significance in what their lifetime on this earth will bring them--whether it be looks, talents, relationships, careers, intelligence, money, or politics, and the like--which I once could have done as well. But I can no longer consider these things the most opulent options for bringing my life significance. With only 22 years worth of experiencing people, and I have only experienced a small number of various relationships and friendships in my short lifetime, I am already unsatisfied by the temporal situation that consists of trying to please and be pleased. There is a constant feeling that we're owed something, and while I know my journey with this part of life is not complete, not hardly, it is so unfulfilling at times. Recently though, I have been feeling a dire appreciation for the process of knowing others. Even more importantly, the process of knowing God. I have discovered His magnificence, and I have discovered who I am allowed to be because of his grace in me. This is why I seek to be different. It's what gives me a reason to try, and gives me the ability to succeed in genuinely loving others.

I am so very blessed, and so very happy with my life. Not because my life is anything exceptional (because it's definitely not), but because I am at peace in my Father's love. I am not seeking some form of comfort because in him I have comfort that is almost burdensome to attempt feeling, because it is so overwhelmingly complete.

Treasuring being treasured.

Crystals stretching out like fingers

from the middle,

as they are.

Touching branches of the trees;

From trunks, from roots,

From soil covering seeds that once felt rain and sun blend.

Now the sky feels the aged result of their first introduction.

Spiraling, like the circle we call life,

but we all live in cubes.

In our fragility we can't find how to be limitless.

Stand firm.

If you stare long enough you can see Spring change everything on earth.

If you stay beside the ones you love, you'll believe you always can.

Or move,

And collectively we can cover dreary lies with blanketed truth

Before we are caught on the wind of reason,
and hear the sounds of our emotions.

We will whiten the darkness and put out flames of dry sounds,
of existence playing;

Not to risk staying the same,

but to play with risk for the sake of change.

A drifting life amongst others

Who are equally intricately designed,

but still far from completed.

We are reserved and stored as treasures,

scattered when released.

We are taught to be cautious,

cautiously learning to not believe.

Is it our job to defeat or be defeat-able?

Wrap love around your neck

and put what you need in what's inside your hat.

Each of us unique.

An unusual start.

Roads from on top are just downward slopes,

so enjoy the ride from on top of the world.

Right now is the beginning of every day we have left.

Fall or fly if needed, then land where it's promised.

Carved or chiseled or created, we are who we are;

It is what it is.

Environmentally friendly, but friendless.

Caring doesn't mean the same to those who seem to care the most.

Cold hearts that will someday melt,

traveling until we want to go farther,

running from what eventually catches us.

Can we ever truly stay in one place?

Can we ever touch?

And what are we feeling in the meantime?

On our tongues, words of songs we can't keep singing.

But caught there like ice, we will sing, while our voices are shaking.

Children hold arms, and keep their arms outstretched,

It just depends what side of earth you stand on..

You can walk into new footsteps by freshly blanketed paths,

Or track through the old ones and prove that a number is just what age is.

Towards the cold center,

running along the edges;

a heart's reasoning,

and thoughts beyond each wintry moment;

Gray, yet sparkling.

Snowflakes don't require clear skies to find the sun's reflection.

Neither will I.

You remind me of the blue beyond, so I'll remain

Until the clouds all fall down where frozen ground lay

beneath and under, to catch, like a palm, what belongs to it.