To be clear though, this doesn't mean that I've been drifting through life up to this point. I've made lots of commitments, I've met deadlines, and I've dedicated myself to some pretty huge tasks. Yes, I'm afraid of every single one of those things, but I have learned to cope and deal with my fears, and I feel pretty sure that life will always be thus for me; I will be perpetually coping with the mountains and valleys of commitments.
That said, I have certain comfort zones that come into my life at times which are extremely difficult to break away from, and I am not someone who typically steps out of my comfort zones. There are certain places in life where I momentarily catch my footing and feel safe and then I don't want to leave that feeling. People can make me feel this way, but it is usually tough to get to "that place" with people, for me. Situations that I find myself experiencing can make me feel this way, and then I tend to favor those situations. Even in the little things, like a favorite place to go to with my friends, or a favorite type of food, or a favorite type of shampoo; I will often be the girl to apply my shampoo bottle's instructions to life: "Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat…" I'm a creature of habit, for sure.
That's why this summer has been monumental. This summer, I didn't just step out of one of my comfort zones, I jumped from the plane that flew me out of my comfort zone.
I have been a fairly directionless person for the majority of my life, including the moment that my last job landed in my lap. I had no idea what a life-altering job it would be for me. When I started there, it was not my intention to stay for long. (Little did I know, I would be there for 7 years.) You can imagine my appall (and incredible amount of all kinds of fear) when I began to sense that it was time to start looking for a new opportunity. That job was a safe zone in my life, and some deep part of me was stirring up trouble by making me think it was finally time to move on to something new.
But I did it. Not only did I leave that job, I did it before I found a replacement job. When I explained this to people, they would say things like, "But …that's crazy." Or, "You are so brave, I could never do that!" Or, "You know, you're supposed to have a new job lined up before you quit the old one." (And then raise an eyebrow at me with that look on their face, as if to ask, "Are you okay?") But I was the first person to admit that it was more than a little risky. I understood that I was facing a new type of mountain in my 25 year old life, the difference was that I was suddenly willing to gear up and start trekking.
*This blog could be about how taking that leap of faith taught me that comfort zones are stupid, and I could tell you something like, "Being ambitious is my new ambition."But I regret to say that I have not altered my entire psyche in one summer. I'm still pretty anxious
So why did I tell this story about my issues with commitment and my eccentric approach to making life-and bank account balance-altering decisions?
Because I want to talk about how that approach is affecting my relationship with God.
This journey has not just been about finding a new direction for my "professional" life to go in, this journey has been about choosing not to categorize my life into labels like, "professional" or "personal," and then try to keep God out of certain categories. He belongs everywhere in my world.
While I have been specifically focused on finding a new job this summer, I have realized more than ever before just how little control I actually have over the direction of any area of my life. I get to choose whether or not to keep a job, but I have no control over the way that God shapes my heart in order to lead me to that decision. I get to choose where to apply for new job opportunities, but I have no control over whether or not I will be offered a job, or how long it will take to be offered a job.
God's timing and provision in my life this summer has been absolute and undeniable.
I took the leap and then I waited…and waited…and waited. I faced a lot of challenges this summer, but I never felt fearful that it wasn't going to work out. I felt the weight of a budget more than ever before in my life. I felt some self-doubt when I was turned down a couple of times. I felt some exhaustion when I painted in someone's house for 12 hours straight in order to earn a little extra moolah.* But God gave me a peace of mind about my decision that carried me through all of it.
*I also felt some sun rays and relaxation on days when I spent hours by the pool without a care in the world…you know, because I wasn't worried about things working out. ;)
Some have called this being optimistic, but I like to think of it as being faithfully risky.
Faithful, because I placed everything in His hands. Risky, only in the eyes of those who don't understand the wonderful feeling of placing everything in His hands.
And in case you are wondering…
In the last week I accepted two part-time jobs, and today I interviewed for another, full-time job. And I intend to do whatever I am doing for the glory of my God.
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