Dear Past, Present, and Future Me:
I know that some days that you have rough days and some times on the especially horrific days you can feel hopeless and miserable without any set reason why. Well, I'm here to inform you that despite having awful days, having a day where you can sit back and say "I love myself" is worth all of those stomach twisting hours of misery. You may not think so in the moment, but when you're feeling at your best you'll definitely understand it. Especially in a moment of strength, you'll feel at the top of the world. You'll make goals in your head and make plans to keep them. You'll feel empowered, and like you're worth something better than anyone could ever imagine. Picture this -- you're sitting on your couch basking in the dimmed light of your living room, a Christmas tree twinkling at your feet and your shadow cascading across the room and into the window. You'll follow this shadow and catch sight of your reflection and you. will. feel. beautiful. You are almost captivated by how neatly your hair wraps around your neck and makes you look graceful. You'll see your cheeks in your reflection, and smile a wider smile. You'll ignore your flaws and focus on what you should be seeing. It is possible, I promise you. It's how you felt when you wrote this letter to yourself at midnight on December 5th, 2010.
On those days where you feel like no one should look at you simply because your face is broken out, or your belly hangs over the waist of your jeans, know that you are still beautiful. You may not be perfect, but you have a wonderful personality and you have many people that love and care for you. You may even wonder why you ever felt sad, but it doesn't matter because in that moment, you'll feel beautiful. You know what? Sometimes, you're going to fail. You're going to get a B on a test, you're going to forget to text someone back, you're going to leave something at home, forget to feed the cat, or leave the laundry in the laundry machine over night. No one loves you less for it, not even your cat. Love isn't measured in the mass of failures you have but in the mass of your heart, and there is no question that your heart is an endless spectrum. But if you get caught up in your failures, you're going to miss a lot of life. So forget when you eat too many calories at dinner, forget that B you got on an exam, forget about how you left the left over pizza out instead of putting it away. Your life is far too short to get caught up in the small stuff.
So, instead of tearing yourself up on the small mishaps, celebrate all of the wonderful things you have in your life. In this moment, you are relishing in the accomplishment of knowing that all of your smart choices are finally paying off. You have a leadership role in your sorority, a stable and caring relationship, a good relationship with your mom and dad, a beautiful apartment, and countless friends who care for you. You made responsible choices ever since you could consciously do so, and the results are already beginning to blossom. Don't be so quick to dispel these things on account of not losing a pound at the end of the week, or not getting the highest grade in class. In the end, no one but you will know that you didn't accomplish those things. They'll remember you for what you did do, and that is care for them and be a positive influence on their life.
Life is hard, there's no doubt about that. You're currently in one of the toughest transitions of your life, but you're doing it gracefully and are an object of admiration. You're an intelligent, responsible, beautiful, and creative woman with endless potential. In fact -- you have a new goal to accomplish in the long run every day. Do you know how incredible it feels to know you can accomplish nearly anything, because there is no negative influence holding you back? Millions of people would kill for that ability, but they are hindered by some force beyond their will. Cherish that gift, and use it to its full potential.
I am proud of you for all you have become. I am proud of you for all of the things you haven't accomplished yet. You're going to be a positive contributor to the world everyday by some means, and that is enough to make you beautiful. The old saying goes -- beauty is only skin deep, and the most physically attractive woman can have an ugly personality that overshadows their physical beauty. So, when the times get tough, as the undoubtedly will, and you become distressed and discouraged remember this moment when you felt at the top of the world. Rain can only last forever, and in order to get the rainbow you have to endure the rain. Love yourself, and others will love you. I have faith in you.
Love, Me as of 12:30 in the morning on 12/5. (Kady Boyd)
I'm not going to lie--Sometimes when I'm alone, I talk to myself. I rarely have anything of real importance to say, but I say things anyway. I bet if you're honest, you would admit the same. Maybe you don't do it often, but I bet you have before. And we all know the things we come up with in our private thoughts. But even when I am alone, I wouldn't speak out loud half of the things I have thought to myself. This inward dialogue is one of the most intoxicating forms of ego-building deception, or sometimes, the most powerful and soul-searching honesty. With just a few words, you can lie or tell the truth. With just a few inner thoughts, you can feed your soul with either positive or negative; either love or hate.
One of my biggest misconceptions in life--and still an obstacle, even though I know it is a false idea--is the idea that I know myself best, and that my innermost thoughts are not heard by anyone but myself.
Yes, I said that right. You may think you are the person who knows the most about yourself, you may think no one else knows what you are thinking. But because of my belief in God, and because of what I know from the Bible to be true, these ideas are not accurate at all. The truth is that God knows more than we ever will about who we really are; God knew the intricate details of our souls before He even created us.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
Psalm 139:16
Hebrews 4, verses 12 and 13 tell us, "For the Word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable."
In my quiet times with God lately, He has been showing me so much of his personality and creativeness. I am often left speechless and completely in love with who He is.
One of the cool things about the word of God that I've recently been discovering is how there are so many instances in the Bible when God records personal thoughts of human beings, things they never actually spoke out loud. How can that even be possible if God is not able to know our thoughts? Therefore, it's pretty clear that God knows the things that are going on even in the spirit of our mind. To me, this fact leaves me awe struck. It's a little daunting to think about at first, and then it sinks in that God knows everything about me, and still loves me more than I will ever fully understand. It leaves me asking, HOW GOD? And WHY?
I'll write out some of the verses so that you can see for yourself:
Genesis 17:17
Then Abraham bowed down to the ground, but he laughed to himself in disbelief. "How could I become a father at the age of 100?" he thought. "And how can Sarah have a baby when she is ninety years old?"
In the verses leading up to this, God has just made a promise to Abraham that he will give Abraham and his wife Sarah a son which will have many descendants, and not only that, but Kings of nations among them. Abraham's very human reaction of doubt and only seeing the impossibility of the situation in his mind is not only heard by God, but also recorded in His Word. How foolish I would feel if I read a list of every thought of my own in which I had doubted God! But whether or not I can recall each of those times, or see them written down, I know God has heard them. Ugh!
1 Kings 12:26
Jeroboam thought to himself, "Unless I am careful, the kingdom will return to the dynasty of David."
This one is so cool to me! Because at this point in Jeroboam's life, God was restoring the very thing Jeroboam was trying to control. Even as God was powerfully at work in the nation which He placed under Jeroboam's short rule, while Jeroboam turned his back on God and believed that he [Jeroboam] was in control, God was listening to his innermost fears with care, and even recorded some in his Word. Another thing I myself am guilty of, and would hate to see a list of.
Esther 6:6
So Haman came in, and the king said, "What should I do to honor a man who truly pleases me?"
Haman thought to himself, "Whom would the king wish to honor more than me?"
When you read this verse along with the surrounding story leading up to and just after this conversation between king and king's official, it is very interesting. To catch you up, Haman is a power-hungry man with some very evil schemes, and he has recently been promoted by the king to be the most powerful official in the empire. So right now, Haman is sitting pretty with his head in the clouds and thinks to himself, "Who else would my king want to honor but me?" I don't think you could be more conceited and proud if you tried! But if you read the whole passage in context, you find out that the person the king really wants to honor is Haman's enemy, Mordecai. So Haman's pride and greed end up getting him into a very humbling situation.
There are plenty of other instances in the Bible when God records a persons thoughts, but this blog is already turning into a novel, and I have a lot more to cover, so I'll leave it with these three. So let's recap, of the thoughts shared above, what are the emotions and feelings behind them? Anything positive? Nope. Human minds are filled with all of the above (Fear, doubt, pride, and greed.), not to mention quite a few other things.
I tend to believe that if I am kind to others, if I show love to others, but allow unkind, unloving thoughts towards myself, then I am not breaking any rules in the realm of "being a good Christian", or wasting my efforts in building a stronger foundation in my faith walk with God. As long as I am presenting Christ in my attitude to everyone else, it's alright to neglect the same attitude within myself. My thoughts are my own, and my self-talk is unimportant in my reflection of Jesus.
I have been hearing other peoples' stories of the struggles they are going through or things they have overcome, and the recurring theme of every person's most vivid and taxing gaps between the life they have/the person they are, and life they wish to have/the person they want to be, are their innermost thoughts; Our self-talk is more powerful--not only that, but also more dangerous--than we realize. It's addictive, and when unleashed, completely crippling. I see the evidence in my own life. Even if I had every other part of my mind completely void of all things negative, if I am still negative towards myself, I am missing the whole point, and seriously interrupting the process of ever becoming more like Christ.
In Ephesians 4: 22-23, Paul says "Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.
In 1 Corinthians 13, when Paul poetically and profoundly writes about love, he doesn't specify only "love towards others", but states "love" in its entirety, to all, including the beholder, even if that means learning to love yourself.
In Matthew 22:37-40, Jesus says, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments."
There is a second side to that second commandment, because in order to love your neighbor as yourself, you must first love yourself.
Jesus said it, so it must be important.
Think of it this way, God knows you even better than you know yourself, and HE loves you. So there's got to be a way for you to learn how to love yourself.
So take a little time each day to remind yourself of who you are in God's eyes. Write down or think about the things you like about yourself, talk to yourself and say something nice. Read 1 Corinthians 13 all the way through and ask yourself how often your innermost thoughts reflect that love towards yourself? And then work to change it.
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