26 Benefits to Being Seriously Single in Your 20s.

I recently had an attack of a trending article on my Facebook homepage, being shared by all of my "couple friends." (You know, the ones who are in a relationship with someone and they make sure all of Facebook is aware of just how in love and adorable they are.) At first I ignored the first three "shares" of the article that showed up on my news feed. After seeing even more people sharing it, I finally caved and clicked the link out of curiosity. After reading, "26 Benefits to Being in a Serious Relationship in Your 20s" on my news feed several times in a row, how could I not be a little curious? 

Now, let me be clear about something real quick. As a single lady, it could seem that I am just upset about others rubbing it in my face or something that I am single and they are not. But I am not writing this to complain in any way about the cutesy/gushy updates I get about these particular friends on my news feed about how wonderful their "person" is, or how well they are doing together. I am not jealous of them, I am genuinely happy for them. (No, that wasn't a typo.) The only posts involving a couple on Facebook that get annoying are the ones complaining about how bad things are. (If they're so bad, get off of Facebook and do something to make it better. Don't spread drama.)

So anyway, I read the list of 26 benefits, and I was inspired to write a counter-list of benefits to being single in your 20s. Not to diminish the other list, because I'm sure some of those things are true and super nice for the ones experiencing them, but to offer a realization to single 20-somethings that life is not all pointless without a romantic sidekick cheering for you everyday, or whatever it is that significant others do. 

(Some of mine will make more sense if you read the other list first.) Here goes:

1. "You can still experience the fun that a single person has (like studying abroad and going out with friends)" …period. 
2. You can spend time on your own, trying to understand yourself, before committing to someone, or something (career, travel, investments, etc.), in the future.
3. This is a time when you are constantly learning and growing. Take advantage of your freedom to explore in other areas of your life than your relationship status.
4. Who says you have to settle for something casual? Don't settle for anything, just be you and WAIT for something solid.
5. Nobody should really have a personal cheerleader. Egos everywhere will be far too enlarged, and pride is the opposite of true happiness. I'm convinced.
6. Your family should have some other things to ask you about than just the old 'who are you dating now?' question. If not, make sure they know you have other things going on in your life. If you don't, you need to figure out your priorities anyway.
7. While getting to know yourself, and watching your couple friends date, you can discover things that are important to you for a future relationship and see how to be or how not to be, based on your friends' relationships.
8. Finding ways to trust yourself, your friends, and your family before seriously dating someone will help you when the time comes to trust that ONE person.
9. "At the end of the day…" Nobody should even say this expression anymore. At the end of the day it's the end of the day. Figure out how to make the most of your day and live in the moment. One day you might have someone to come home to, but today is not one day.
10. I'm keeping this one the same. "While friends are telling you about all the immature guys they meet on Tinder or at bars, you don't have to deal with jerks on a weekly basis." That's still true. No one has to "deal" with anything just because they are single.
11. Other things also equal reduced risks of STDs. But anyway…
12. No one actually loves EVERY part of you, really. There will always be the little things. Surround yourself with friends who accept you and learn to accept yourself. That's going to make a relationship with anyone a lot easier.
13. You can challenge yourself every day, and have great adventures with people you love. Who says single people can't have some fun? (Refer to #1 if you are unsure.)
14. You feel as much pressure (from yourself or others) to get married as you allow. If you aren't ready, or you haven't found the right one, don't rush. 
15. I feel like I've said this already, but focus on having some good friends around you for those "drunkenly dancing" kinds of nights. I sure hope you are not just going out and drunkenly dancing all on your own, that's no fun.
16. Being single gives you the chance to find and truly rely on some quality friends. When you're dating, other friends sometimes don't get as much attention. Focus on being a good friend to others and you will be a happier person. Trust me.
17. Awkward family gatherings don't always need more people. But if they need a little something, it's usually the fun single person who can give the extra kick. ;P
18. Try to feel good about yourself BEFORE dating someone. 
19. No juggling another person's needs along with yours. Focus on your own goals, know what YOUR ambitions are. 
20. Practice doesn't always make perfect. Some times dating too much, or settling in with someone too soon makes tired, grumpy people who no longer have the energy to invest in the relationship five, ten, or fifteen years down the road. Waiting and being truly ready to invest in someone else will make it all the more doable when the right person does come along.
21. Single people get to do mundane things and have fun with it, too. And we can do those things whenever we feel like it.
22. If close friends are spreading out and doing stuff with their lives, you have some extra time to make new ones, or venture into new hobbies, or travel with them. Take advantage of your TIME while you have it.
23. You can do what you want with your nights. Go out with friends. Stay in and wear sweats. Visit the fam. Enjoy your options. 
24. Obviously, you will be a better person already if you are not sitting around focusing on how lonely you are. Be single. Enjoy it. It won't last forever if you are making yourself happy and not moping, someone will notice.
25. Remind your non-single friends how blessed they are, if they truly are. And when you see a friend struggling in their relationship, be there for them and help them from an outside perspective to know if it's time to throw in the towel or time to work harder. And when a friend goes through a break up, remind them how to thrive in the single life.
26. If you can't see it already, I'll spell it out for you: Whatever your situation, make it count. Being single will be great if you let it be, and being in a relationship will be better if you have already tried to get the most out of being single.

ENTRY #5 The Danger of Loving Nothing from Erwin McManus' book, Soul Cravings

Yesterday an unnecessary evil took place.

Today I was reading a book by a favorite author, Erwin McManus, called Soul Cravings. It's a kind of introspective read; a look at humanity, an attempt to ask and tell what our souls are always craving, and an explanation for some side effects of not having enough of what we need; it's about LOVE.

I came to this part of the book and thought it was very applicable to yesterday's events:

ENTRY #5 The Danger of Loving Nothing

Ironically, sometimes when we feel there is no place for us in the world, we choose to live a life of isolation and disconnectedness--sort of our way of sticking it to all of humanity before they can get to us.
You've asked yourself the question over and over again, If there anyone who really cares? And your conclusion is, No. So you decide to join them. You're not going to care either. You're not going to feel any more hurt.
Sometimes we take this so far that we decide the only way not to feel pain is to inflict it.
It shouldn't surprise us that Ted Kaczynski, better known as the Unabomber, had chosen a life os isolation and disconnectedness, rejecting a world that he concluded had rejected him. It wasn't enough to simply run from it; he had to find some way to destroy it. Even the designation given him is revealing--Unabomber.

Una--

one

singular

solitary

alone

Contact with the real world--it's not optional; it's essential. We are created for relationship. We are born for community. For us to be healthy, we must be a part of others. Independence is one thing' isolation is another. The more we live disconnected lives, the more we become indifferent to the well-being of others.

Over the years we've come to expect urban violence. If we were honest with ourselves, we would have to acknowledge that many of us have become desensitized to crime and violence in our inner cities and especially among the urban poor, which is probably why what happened in the quiet community of Jefferson County, Colorado so affected the American psyche. Two teenage boys planned for over a year to ruthlessly massacre as many students and teachers at Columbine High School as possible. If I know nothing else about Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, I know that they had given up on love. they no longer considered themselves a part of the human community. They cared for no one and cared about no one, not even themselves. Where there is no love, there is no value for life. When hate consumes our hearts, all we can think of, all we desire, is to destroy.

When there is disengagement from human community, there is potential for inhumanity.

The human heart was not created to be a container for hate.

When we allow bitterness, jealousy, envy, racism, lust, greed, and arrogance to fuel our souls, we create an environment within us to be agents of violence.
We live in a time when the most terrifying bomb is not a nuclear one, but a human one.

This is where humanity has come. This is how far we've evolved. We strap bombs around our chests, lure innocents into our presence, and then consider ourselves heroes as we destroy everything around us. If this were not bad enough, for some it has become a proof of spirituality.
There are people walking around us waiting to EXPLODE!
How many of us are walking around with fuses already lit? With the danger of oversimplifying, you are a danger to the world when you love nothing, and you're even more dangerous when you love the wrong things. When there is a vacuum of love within your soul, hate, bitterness, envy, and racism rush to fill the empty space.
There is a dramatic difference between fanaticism and love. Fanaticism justifies and defines who you hate. Love embraces and leaves no room for violence.
On September 1 every year, children, parents, and families gather to celebrate what is known in Russia as the Day of Knowledge. It's on this day, after hearing speeches and critical information for the new year, that the first graders give flowers to what are described as the "last graders."
It was exactly on this day that Chechen terrorists chose to seize a school in Beslan, Russia. It was September 1, 2004, when Beslan Middle School Number One was stormed by a group of approximately 30 armed men and women. Over 1,300 hostages were taken, most of whom were children under the age of eighteen. At the end of three days, the hostage crisis culminated in a barrage of gunfire between the hostage takers and the Russian security forces.
When the dust had settled, 344 civilians were killed; 186 of them were children. You don't have to understand the complexities of Russian politics to know something went terribly wrong.

What happens inside a human being for an ideology to become more important than a human life?

Even those of us who disdain violence at every level could understand using force to protect the innocent, but how can any of us find a rationale for acts like this? How dark must a human soul become, how hard must a human heart become, to allow us to snuff out a life to simply make a point?

We stand in the midst of a human dilemma.
We long for community; we long to belong; we long for love.
Yet what we long for most we seem incapable of sustaining.
We are safer in the jungle than in the city.
We are our own worst enemies.

Identity

An identity that is not identical to anyone else, with an ideology to identify the way these idiosyncrasies indent the idle lives around me. It's an ideal idea; idealism. But it's inane to think this idiocy could ever incorporate independence from indigent personalities. Individualism aside, our inescapable inertia is infectious; we incur it willingly. And it's incredible that despite my internal incriminations and iniquities, in love, you have indulged my soul with infinity.

Dreams

Like fog,

Blocking images.

Hiding; revealing.

Cold, moist, everywhere.

Down low.

Mist.

Finding.

Surprising.

Darkness.
Dark.
Darker.

Smoke; fading.

Eyes closed.

Eyes flitter.

Find out: jump out.

Like fog.

Eyes open.

Gone.