For One Another

“You have not chosen one another, but I have chosen you for one another.” C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Since the last time I wrote about the blooming relationship God planted in my life last year, a lot has transpired. Matthew and I knew even then, in the early stages of our relationship, that we loved each other. Neither of us could imagine life without the other, and we knew that neither of us wanted our relationship to end. Ever. So, within a couple of months of dating, we started talking about marriage, and forever. By the beginning of this year, we were both already committed to forever together. On January 2nd, after we spent a long weekend with my family in Colorado, he got a tattoo of an infinity symbol, designed to appear like a penguin too. He knows how much I like penguins. Also, penguins are monogamous for life. This symbol of his permanent love and dedication, as well as my love and dedication (I would never have allowed him to get that tattoo if I wasn't 100% sure that we were permanent), was an outward statement to the world to declare just how sure we were/are about each other. A little over a month later (on February 11th), he asked me to marry him. I said, "YES", without a trace of doubt, and with certainty in every facet of my existence. We will be married in a little over a month from now (on May 20th). I will become his wife, and stepmom to his beautiful daughter. Our lives will be forever joined, and the next chapter will be started.

For some, this seems fast, too fast. For us, it feels as if time slowed down, and somehow the immensity of everything between us remains impossibly contained in time spaces that don't seem large enough to hold all of it. Never before has any of my human relationships felt so absolute and divine. I've experienced the ultimate relationship that a human can experience, in my relationship with God. I've experienced friendships that were so authentic that it made me draw closer to both that person and God. But I've never experienced something with another human being that connects my soul with theirs in the way that Matthew and I are connected now. He is my best friend. He is the love of my life. He is my protector, shelter, and leader.

I've never been more sure that God designed someone specifically with me in mind, and brought that person into my life. I would choose Matthew, and he would choose me, an infinite number of times, in an infinite number of lives. Even so, it's clear that God chose us for one another.

Blessed

God blesses me all the time. He has been blessing me since before I was even born. I have seen evidence of His blessings in my life during both good and bad times; during both the easy-going phases, and the most onerous phases. In have seen it while living through these moments, and I can see it in hindsight, when remembering the moments I've lived through with Him by my side.

This year has been another busy year. All of the things a 27 year old (now 28) would be doing; working, studying, dieting, exercising, not dieting or exercising, saving money, spending money, traveling, staying home alone, going out with friends, spending time with family, being in a friend's wedding, going to friends' weddings, seeing people greet new little bundles of joy into their families, and figuring out who I am now (just to name a few).

This year, I was mostly focused on trying to keep balance in my life, trying to be content with my life, trying to challenge myself in areas I needed to be challenged, trying to practice patience, and trying to draw closer to my LORD and Savior.

I made some slight improvements here and there, spent too much money, didn't save enough money, and feel content most of the time, but still find myself practicing impatience more than I'd like to admit. I got to see some new things, I progressed in my journey to getting my degree, I learned new things and made strides in my occupation. It was a great year, overall.

About two months ago, God did something that I wasn't expecting. At the time, I questioned whether I was ready for what He was doing, but I didn't (and don't ) question whether it was Him doing it. No matter how much I thought I was ready, before God orchestrated this new thing in my life, I was suddenly faced with the reality of it, and it scared me. God brought someone into my life who has been blessing me with his sweetness and authenticity ever since. God's timing in this event was perfect (although I wouldn't have minded not being in the middle of a full-time semester, if I'm honest). With each day that passes, I realize more and more that because God's timing is perfect, and because he orchestrated this, HE will equip me as necessary to navigate these new waters. I don't have to worry or be scared, I have to trust Him.

I can't know what the future holds, nor do I want to. But this Christmas season, as I reflect on the past year of my life and look ahead to next year, I am so struck by the personal, intentional way that God has handled my heart and soul this year. I've been praying for patience for a year. I've been trying to intentionally draw closer to Him. He blesses me even when things are not this happy, but right now, I'm in awe of the complete joy that He fills me with each day.  For the past two months, every day I wake up reflecting on what God has given me, and filled with gratitude, I pray that he will continue to draw me closer to him as he also allows me to feel so much happiness because of the man he placed in my life.

I imagine next year will be similar to this year, except I will have a very special man in my life now, God willing. I'm at peace with my life with or without this man, but with him I am also filled with happiness every single day, to the point that I often wonder if it's sustainable, or even real. I'm blessed by God all the time, and this particular blessing is something that took me by complete surprise. I hope that I continue to move to a deeper relationship with God, as me and Matt continue to connect with each other in our new relationship.

We Do Not Construct It or Reconstruct It.

In 1887, college professor Henry Drummond said regarding absolute truth, “Truth is not to be found in what I have been taught. That is not truth. …Therefore, let us dismiss from our minds that predisposition to regard that which we have been brought up in as being necessarily the truth. …If that were the definition of truth, truth would be just what one’s parents were—it would be a thing of hereditary transmission, and not a thing absolute in itself.”

Truth is a thing in itself. We do not construct it or reconstruct it.

In 1992, the Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy said in a ruling, “At the heart of liberty is the right to define one’s own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life.”

This concept of liberty is the opposite of absolutism, and it's the very thing that is turning societies into aimless masses of less-liberated individuals; seized and contained by our individual purposelessness, rather than strong individuals amalgamated together with a clear purpose and direction as a whole. If we truly believe we can redefine our reality based on what we want our reality to be, our reality loses all meaning. If truth is everything, it is nothing. Our reality becomes less and less real, the more we attempt to assign our own conception of reality, rather than seek and accept the truth that already is.

“Truth is no longer seen as objective and is no longer limited to its rational dimension. Now, truth is viewed as subjective and one is free to tap into emotions and intuition to find it. …Today, propositional truth has taken a backseat to personal truth. Propositional truth asserts that our truth claims can be stated and analyzed into logic, otherwise they are false. …The answer to conflicting truth claims is not to rebuff the idea of absolutes, but to instead find out what those absolutes are.” Todd Ahrend

Truth is not reducible to what my concept of existence is, thank goodness. Truth cannot be adjusted to what I mean it to be, thank goodness. The thing about truth is that if we try to conform it to our will, we don’t actually change it. Truth, by definition, remains absolute even when we attempt to call it anything but. Because truth is absolute, and we can’t actually conform it to our will, things begin to fall apart when we try to squeeze it into the space we want it to fit, or try to redefine it. We do not change truth or fit truth into that small space of our perception and concepts of existence; we squeeze ourselves into smaller and smaller spaces; we lose our intellectual grip on reality; we become meaningless the more we intend to create our own meaning.

“The result of an understanding of truth void of absolutes is that it leaves no comprehensive categories of experience or knowledge. Because it rejects the idea of a singular grand story—a metanarrative—that explains what is true and gives meaning to all life, there is no overarching purpose wherein one’s own experience can fit and find meaning. Instead, one’s own experience is the only absolute. …One of the tragedies of the 21st century is that this very popular belief system leaves little to live for. Ravi Zacharias states: ‘There is no center to hold things together. Or to put it differently, there is no metanarrative to life, no overarching story by which all the particulars can be interpreted… Life needs a story to understand the details. Life needs to hold tighter at the center if we are to reach to distant horizons. But our culture neither owns a story nor holds at the center.’” Todd Ahrend

The Heart Not Stilled

“Have you ever wanted something so badly that you just lose perspective of it?”
Rodrigo, Mozart in the Jungle

It’s Christmas break, 2015/2016, and I’ve spent most of my time during this much needed break spending time with the people I love, and pondering all of the directions I’m moving in. I have recently felt the Holy Spirit teaching me patience in many areas, and I continue to be reminded daily of my reliance on His guidance in some difficult decisions I need to face, and directions I am being pulled in. Yet, I struggle to quiet my restlessness, to slow my pace long enough to pray and wait on God’s lead. I have spent the past year in full-fledged busyness, trying to work on productivity in work and school, and intentiality with people, among other ventures. I don’t know anymore what adaptability and performance looks or feels like without directing my attention and energy in several directions synchronously.

How can I pause and reflect without losing ground in some area or another?
How can I calm my mind long enough to sit in awe of God and speak to him about my cares and concerns when my mind never wants to slow?
How can I be still and know that He is there, and not be sorting through something or pushing forward, even in my mind, when I am forced daily to compartmentalize so many directions and move in all directions at once?

It’s not that I don’t have the desire, it’s that I haven’t been able to figure out how to stop my mind long enough to fulfill the desire.

How did I get to this place?

A year ago, I was still feeling new to my job that I started in September 2014. Besides facing the daily challenges of work (and loving it, by the way!), I was attempting to compartmentalize my academic studies to only when I was at home, which was brief spurts of time during evenings and weekends. Even with a full-time job, and a full-time academic schedule, I was also working on refreshing my faith by joining and attending a local Perspectives class. Through that class, my mind and heart were opened to a world of possibilities, fears, concerns, questions, doubts, hopes, and insecurities. I started exploring what my life would look like if I focused on investing in people more, and especially if I began trusting God in some brand new ways. I honestly feel that I poured myself into those goals, whether I reached a destination of some kind or not. All of that was during the first 5 months of the year. In time, I finished my academic semester, Perspectives concluded around the same time, and was getting my feet on the ground at work. I was refreshed, reawakened, and simultaneously exhausted.

By summer, I was ready for a break, but I decided I would continue my academics with a summer class. I had momentum; I didn’t want to lose it. Somewhere in the middle of summer is when it happened to me though. I was going along on my journey, and it hit me all at once that I felt like I couldn’t slow down. I was missing things with people I wanted to be spending my time with. I was so determined to do well in work and school that I began to take myself too seriously in both areas. I was skipping going to church or seeing my friends and family because I needed time to study, or sleep, or do my laundry. Because even simple chores like throwing dirty clothes and some soap into the machine, felt taxing to me. My priorities were all screwy, and I felt that I was to blame. It was my fault for choosing to take a summer class. It was my fault for thinking that I could focus on self-improving, and succeed at it, while also investing in people. Throughout this part of my year, something inside of me yearned to disconnect from everything. The busyness that I started my year with was suffocating me. The hopes of growth that I had in mind at the beginning were now doubts and frustrations that blocked my ability to find pleasure and joy in the simple things I had once cherished. Everything was something scheduled, everything was mundane. It was like I had begun a marathon without preparation, and I was beginning to notice that I could no longer control my legs or feel the fire in my lungs; I couldn’t stop going, I had no capacity for adjusting my pace, I had no reference point for how I was supposed to handle my new experiences.

Then, with little intermission, my summer responsibilities turned into my fall responsibilities, but by that time in the year, it didn’t matter to me anymore what the season was. There were days or weeks at a time that were completely dictated by deadlines, which, really, when you think about it, equaled months, and even an entire year that was dictated by deadlines and schedules. By that time, I was used to telling people I couldn’t see them because I had to write a paper or study for an exam. I was used to reading textbooks on my lunch break, then spending hours every night studying, and looking forward, not to the weekend, but to the X’s I used to cross off the many assignments I had on my calendar. In September, I heard the pastor at my family’s church was offering a systematic theology class, so I prayed about it for a few days, even though my mind was made up: I would take that class too, because it sounded like something I needed in my life, and I didn’t want to miss the opportunity. It’s funny how the choice to not miss one opportunity can lead you to miss other things; like free time.
(I should insert here that even though I sound resentful of the burden of deadlines and schedules, I also believe that those things are good for me, because without them I can get overwhelmed with not knowing what to do next. The issue I was facing in the crux of the semester was not a lack of abundance; it was the weight of abundance in every direction. I was overwhelmed.)

The blur of the year ended with the blurry end of the fall semester, some quality time with friends and family, and a whole lot of consideration about what’s next. For the past few weeks, I’ve found myself feeling unsettled by the lack of busyness I became accustomed to for at least the past 11½ months. Which, brings me back to my opening questions:

How can I pause and reflect?
How can I calm my mind long enough to sit in awe of God and speak to him about my cares and concerns?
How can I be still and know that He is there?

(Notice this time I wrote each question without an excuse at the end.)

 My impatience with myself, my life, reaching goals, crossing items off to-do lists and calendar pages, has brought me to this place. My ability to pause and enjoy has become overshadowed by my impatience. My ability to be hard working and successful without compromising my time with the people I love has been tinged with impatience. My ability to sit before my Lord and Savior and lose track of time has been lost to my impatience. My capacity for appreciating the abundance in every direction is hindered by an anchor of impatience. Already, just a few days into 2016, I can feel myself being pulled in many directions, with the weight of impatience in every direction. My prayer and my hope for this year is to embrace the power of patience. In relationships, in health goals, in financial goals, in my academics, in work accomplishments, and whatever else 2016 brings, I hope that I can re-learn patience unceasingly. A year from now, I want to be able to reflect on all of the rewards and blessings that came from trying to be patient in all things. A year from now, I would love to look back and see evidence in my life of waiting on God to lead and guide me, of responding to that guidance with more patience, and action. I want to have that discipline overflow from my prayers; into my mind, into my heart, into my attitudes, into my emotions, into my behaviors, into my actions, and into my relationships.

 “…And the vessel was not full, the mind was not satisfied, the soul was not calm, the heart not stilled.” From Siddhartha (pg.7), by Herman Hesse

The secret signature of each soul.

“Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of--something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possesed your soul have been but hints of it--tantalizing glimspes, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest--if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself--you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say 'Here at last is the thing I was made for.' We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the things we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all.” -Clive Staples Lewis

I think Lewis will always be my favorite author. There's something grandfatherly and soothing about the way he grabs on to a bundle of his inspiriting thoughts and gently arranges them into paragraph after paragraph of marked passion and lucidity. He is honest, provoking, and genius.

I appreciate rainy days, because unlike rays of sunlight that draw me out and away from my innermost rumination, rain drops push me further inward to reflect a little more deeply. And sometimes I need little rain drop reminders to help me remember what my day-to-day priorities are doing to help me reach my bigger-picture priorities.

This quote from Lewis is one of my favorites, and I was reminded of it today when skimming through an old book. I think it was ideal timing. I was sitting there thinking about how I'm two days away from celebrating my one month anniversary at my new job, and then something dawned on me--This is it, this is all I can see right now. I am in awe of the blessing of this new job, and I don't know how many months will turn into how many years before my next "this is it" moment happens to me; when I can no longer see past that thing; when I feel blessed by something else. I was wondering what my next one month anniversary of something will be. I can't see into my future, I can't know what is about to happen in the next chapters of my life.

One cool think that happens to me when I read Lewis' thoughts above, is that when he says, "...While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all", I don't think about my job, or my friendships, or my education, or even my relationships with my family; the most treasured things in my life all fade. The thing that I can no longer see past, the thing that is what everything else hinges on; my "While I am, this is. If I lose this, I lose all", is my relationship with God.

And I know that I will never lose it; I am comforted by the fact that I will always be with Him, in this lifetime, and the next; I will never have to doubt what my "Here at last is the thing I was made for" actually is; I know the secret signature of my soul.

God has reached my soul, and I refuse to evade that "...incommunicable and unappeasable want".

A little update about my BIG news.

A little over a month ago I wrote a blog about life changes and my weaknesses that make life changes difficult for me. At the time, I had no idea how drastically my life would change in the following month. To explain, let me back up a little farther…

About a year ago I started considering my desire to find a new job. I wanted to feel challenged, and appreciated. I wasn't miserable, but I was just getting by, and I was in a rut intellectually. Every day I struggled to feel the passion that I previously felt towards my work, and I could tell that it was ceaselessly dwindling. Eventually, necessity drove me to begin my job search. I started seeking a job change A WHOLE YEAR AGO, and this month, I finally got THE job; the job that answered my prayers; the job that will provide; the job that will challenge me.

After a year, which included days worth of time spent filling out hundreds of applications, a handful of call backs that led to interviews, and just three official job offers; After more than two months without an income; I finally landed the job that is going to change my life.

This is week one, you guys, and I can already tell that it's going to change my life! I feel like I couldn't be more peaceful, renewed, and ecstatic about a job.

Okay, so I've updated about that HUGE answered prayer. Now I'm thinking about what's next. What's going to take place in my life from this point forward? What other things do I need to pay attention to that I have possibly neglected while I was so busy waiting for a job?

Going back to my reference about my last blog post…
In that post, I mentioned some questions that I would soon take the time to answer, and I think they are very relevant to where my head is at now. So here goes:


1. Where Am I?

Right now, I'm in such a good place. I am at the beginning of some big ventures in the professional/academic areas of my life. I am happily investing as much as I can, as often as I can, in the lives of my family and friends, and I am receiving blessings from all of them all the time as well. I can honestly say that I am super content and peaceful.

2. What Do I Need to Leave Behind?

I think the biggest thing I need to leave behind is any type of regret or doubt about all of the huge decisions that I have made this year. I know that I've had to make some really tough calls about some really big adjustments, and I need to release myself from feeling some kind of anxiety about which were the right decisions, and whether or not the timing was good or bad, etc. I need to stop over-thinking things.

3. Who Do I Want to Be and How am I Going to Get There?

I am employee, colleague, student, daughter, sister, aunt, friend…and I don't really want to be anything different at the moment, I just want to be all of those things, and do it well. I'm just going to keep working hard to be myself and enjoy the people around me.

4. Where is There Room For Growth?

I need to work on cultivating the right relationships with the people in my life, and allowing myself to be vulnerable more often. I also need to work on getting back into shape. I want to get out of my habit of watching TV or a movie to relax, and instead read a good book, FOR FUN--no textbooks. I want to continue to grow at my new job. I want to work harder to be present wherever I am at the moment, not preoccupied with anything else.


5. Who Do I Want By My Side?

 Obviously God is more than just "by my side," but I definitely want to continue to pay attention to him.
Also, my family, my best friends, and maybe even some new friends; …but mainly God and my family.


6. What Are My Motivations?

My faith motivates me and gives me the strength to face the toughest things. I wouldn't have been able to write this same story had I not relied entirely on my faith carrying me through the thick of my crazy year, and not just the one year, but my life as a whole. God's guidance and provision is perfect.
My family motivates me to want to care more and love harder.
My friends motivate me to keep seeking new perspective and to make having fun a priority from time to time.
My academic goals motivate me to try to achieve good grades and actually take my knowledge with me after I pass each class.
My professional goals motivate me to apply my work ethic and integrity to every task, and not avoid my challenges.
My desire to always move forward and continually attempt to feel more and more alive is what pushes me through each day with a healthy sense of humor and streak of ornery optimism.

An Honest Reflection

I think for some people transitions and growth just happen to them and they don’t really flinch or notice changes, because they are highly adaptable people who thrive on challenges and inhale energy the way that I thrive on complacency and inhale inertness. I might be wrong. Maybe everyone deals with all sorts of inner turmoil in every new phase of their life. Maybe everyone else just makes it look easy. I don’t know.

But I know this: I am not, by nature, an ambitious person. 

I remember when I was a little girl, I had a propensity toward certain things, but I was always too anxious about failure or vulnerability to practice or perfect those things. I didn’t want to seek affirmation in any way, because that meant putting it all on the line and risking exposure. Vulnerability is kind of my kryptonite; it often stops me from progression. I didn’t excel at any one area in particular in my past because I put more effort in appearing effortless and indifferent than just doing the work of becoming really great at something. No one thing ever became “my thing”, because I didn’t dedicate myself to anything. 

School? I enjoyed the subjects that were naturally easy for me, hated everything else, and didn’t learn what it was like to really apply myself to studying, and then succeeding, until college. I didn’t care until I was older, I was paying for it, and it mattered more to me. 

Sports? I enjoyed it when I was young enough that winning wasn’t the most important thing, and the coach’s main strategy was to get us to pay attention or not pick our noses on the field. As the game got more intense, I thrived on the high notes and got really bummed out when I could tell I didn’t play hard enough. I did try, but I never cared enough to keep going. When my friends’ passion for competing and winning began outgrowing my own, I decided my time as a softball player was over. I didn’t ever try to be good at any other sports, because competition did not come naturally for me. I never looked back.

Creativity? I loved imagining, altering things, and making things. I remember spending hours and hours on my own, just pretending and thinking, never once feeling lonely. I could be uninhibited when I was on my own doing something creative, and that is honestly when I thrived the most. There were no inward or outward competitions; it was natural for me. But I was conservative with my creative tendencies. I refused to try too hard, I didn’t try to push myself further, I just sort of coasted along with whatever skills I could muster up at any given time. In my mind, practicing would mean risking not actually getting better, and just thinking I was better than I actually was. It did not mean nearing perfection.

Relationships? As long as I didn't have to put a lot of effort in, I enjoyed my friendships. As long as I was being cared about without needing to expose my own feelings, I would "allow" people to be in my life. If it seemed fun, organic, and exciting to get to know someone, I wanted in on it. When it got more tricky, I would passively drift on to the next friend who would temporarily satiate my need for companionship without them getting past the walls guarding my insecurities. I guarded those walls more protectively than I guarded my friendships. I suffered from it, friends suffered from it, and I was not good at being relational.

These are just a few examples of my weak areas. I’m not being modest or humble. I really was a scared, insecure, little girl. And I am still so much like that scared, little girl. As a teenager, I was pretty introspective and withdrawn at times, and sometimes I was okay. I was just a really awkward person. I had friends, I did fun things, but I felt awkward all the time. As an adult, that internal struggle has carried over into other areas. I can be indecisive, I can be noncommittal, I can be lethargic about changes, I can be stubbornly independent, I can be anti-social, and I can most certainly lack confidence and fear vulnerability. These are the things that come to me naturally. It is organic for me to just drift in the midst of these weaknesses; to be apathetic about the why’s or how’s of my life and my relationships.

All of this information from my past is why I do not understand how I have my feet so firmly grounded right now. An honest reflection of my natural tendencies would not show THIS life, this calmness, or this aptitude for optimism. Despite myself, I have chosen the harder path in at least a few areas of my life, and I have chosen to push myself and will myself to succeed in those areas. I have worked on being pliable with other people, with my circumstances, and with myself. I have learned how to draw on the strengths of others and feel confident about my own strengths. (I have learned what strengths I have.) I have learned how to commit to and face challenges, rather than withdraw from them. I have developed an ability to know when to be fiercely relational rather than seclude myself with my anti-socialness. I now know that loyalty and authenticity will reach others without needing to make myself feel awkward and exposed. I have discovered that vulnerability, while still terrifying at times, is often the precipice holding me back just before greatness is reached. I can make decisions now that I never could have fathomed making when I was younger. I guess I could just attribute all of it to me growing up and being an adult. But I see more in my life than just growing up.

This is not just about maturity; it’s about spiritual life. It's an alive-ness that is overwhelming even before it has reached its full potential. I'm not finished yet, but I can tell something is very different now than how it was before, and I believe I'm still being made new. I'm not perfect in any way, I still have weaknesses, but I'm so much more alive and well now.

I know that without God’s grace, through Christ’s gift, using the Holy Spirit’s power to modify me, I would not be so firmly grounded and in touch with these strengths. In fact, I wouldn’t even have these strengths. Maybe someone reading this doesn’t believe in God or in his ability to change people’s hearts, but I have tried to look at my life and my heart with other lenses, for sure, and God’s grace honestly is just the most likely explanation for all that I am, and all that I hope for. I was being changed before I was an adult, before I practiced maturity. It was not my own doing. If you ever see anything good in me, please know that it comes from God.

One of my favorite quotes ever describes this process of being changed:

"This is the glory and miracle of grace, that God, through the Holy Spirit, is able to transform a stubborn, rebellious, and unbelieving will into a passionate, obedient, believing will without violating the integrity of the individual or diminishing the voluntary nature of one's decision to trust Christ for salvation." -Sam Storms

It was voluntary, I chose to welcome God in my life, but it was out of my hands as to how and when he would be working in me.

The past few years have been full of transitions bigger than anything before, yet I know that bigger transitions are coming. I’m thinking about all of this because I read a blog about questions to ask myself when life is changing. And I started thinking about how far I’ve come, and how much work I have ahead. It scares me, but I also feel more hopeful than ever. It’s an eager hope, anticipation. More than willingness, it’s readiness, like I’m being prepared for it.

I’ll be writing a blog soon with my answers to the questions. But in the meantime, think about your answers.

Life Lessons inspired by Dave Ramsey (Who knew?)

This morning I was catching up on reading from Dave Ramsey's book, Complete Guide to Money. Trust me, I'm also surprised that my blog post is beginning with anything about Dave Ramsey. But I've been taking the Financial Peace University (FPU) class at my brother's church, and I have actually learned a lot of valuable things. One dominant thing that has stood out to me since the first lesson is that someone could easily float through this experience and leave it behind them and just not gain anything from it. Or, someone could read every word, soak in every video lecture, and do all of the "homework," and they would probably see noticeable differences in more than one area of their life.

I'll be honest, so far I haven't been doing all of the work. I've been reading the books, I've been going to the class every week, but I haven't been doing the homework like I'm supposed to. Why? Because D.R.'s advice is meant to be carried out by someone with an income, and for two months (the course of this class), I have not had an income. (Refer to my earlier post if you're wondering why.) Sure, I've had money to work with, and I have had an ongoing budget this summer, but it has had a steady decrease in the balance since the day I received my final paycheck. It will continue to dwindle away while I patiently wait for my next paycheck to come. (Two more weeks!!!) And I knew it was going to be like that when I quit my job in May, so I was already being extra cautious with my funds as I began FPU, and I will continue to be cautious until I am able to save some more as I begin working again.

Money things aside, I want to write about some stuff I have gained from FPU regarding other areas of life.

1. I've seen that D.R. does not value money over other things in life, i.e., faith, family, friendships, integrity, hard work, working with passion, etc. THAT is exciting to me, because I can relate to these things that he values over wealth, as I do too. I would have dropped out after day one if D.R. tried to convince me to put money first in my life. It's just not that important to me. This class just confirmed that money is not the most important thing in life, and is not supposed to be esteemed as such.

2. I've realized how quickly and sneakily money can affect other areas of life, and the importance of protecting myself and my relationships with people from things like greed, stress, or impatience (this is a big one for me), or so many other negative things that money issues will infiltrate into our lives. This lesson has not just applied to those close to me, but it has changed my heart in big ways when it comes to showing Christ's love through financial gifts to others, even strangers. I've always said that God doesn't give me a lot of money because He knows I can't handle it, but this class has changed my perception. I believe that I would be more capable of it now, but I don't want my capability to enable greed. D.R. preaches GIVE, GIVE, GIVE all throughout his many lessons in FPU, and my prayer is that if God ever chooses to bless me with enough wealth to do so, that I would be ready and willing to GIVE it back to him through those who need it more than I do.

3. I've learned more about what the Bible teaches about money, wealth, poverty, saving/giving, and how to handle these circumstances. I love how much scripture and biblical truth is involved in the FPU lessons, not to mention all of the really great quotes shared from financially  knowledgeable people. Often, it seems that the secular, or more "worldly" sources of knowledge [with financial aspects, in this case], are corollary to the things the Bible is teaching. Which further proves to me that God had our best and healthiest lives in mind when he gifted us with his word, be it about financial health, spiritual health, emotional health, mental health, physical health, etc. His word is consistent with what the most brilliant minds in all of these areas can tell us, or give us glimpses of. It's something that stands out to me when I study anything, be it ethics/philosophy, psychology, history, fitness, or FPU lessons*; The things that the Bible teaches us always correlates with the best and most ideal examples of all of these things. The Bible is a greater source of knowledge than of our man-made sources, so if the man-made sources can be found corollary to scripture then it is definitely worth my time.

*I want to clarify that not all aspects of those "worldly" studies will be confirmed by scripture, and I most definitely apply discernment as necessary. I just think it's really cool when both sides match up, and I wish more people would realize the ideal life God intended for us all to have.

The final thing that I found inspiring through this class was something I just read this morning, which triggered this entire post:

4. I've decided that for me, my ultimate goal is not wealth, but contentment. A quote from Complete Guide to Money that stood out to me this morning as I was reflecting over all of these incredible life lessons, was, "How can you know where you ought to be and what you ought to be doing if you don't know who you are?" That struck a chord in me. I decided that above all the wealth or knowledge I could ever gain, I would rather be content in who I am, no matter my circumstances. To have an abundance of other things, and be miserable or confused about who I am, would be one of the absolute worst things I can imagine in this lifetime. This lesson is the one that I am most convicted about giving to God, because I know that I can't rely solely on myself to guarantee that I will discern every right step along my way. I feel confident in who I am today, but it has been a rocky road to get here. And left to my own devices, I would stumble down any path. So, I happily trust that God is guiding my every step, and I hope that today's contentment will carry over to tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, until all of my days are done.

Beautiful (vanity)?

beau·ti·ful

adjective

1. having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about,etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.

2. excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.

3. wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

noun

4. the concept of beauty (usually preceded by the  ).

5.( used with a plural verb ) beautiful things or people collectively (usually preceded by the  ): the good andthe beautiful.

6. the ideal of beauty (usually preceded by the  ): to strive to attain the beautiful.

van·i·ty

 

noun

1. excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain; conceit: Failure to be elected was a great blow to his vanity.

2. an instance or display of this quality or feeling.

3. something about which one is vain.

4. lack of real value; hollowness; worthlessness: the vanity of a selfish life.

5. something worthless, trivial, or pointless.

(dictionary.com)

I recall the first time I ever saw a very strategically angled photo of someone on their Myspace page, and I didn't realize at the time that I was looking at one of earlier forms of a selfie. You know what I'm talking about. Stand in front of the bathroom mirror, turn flash on, place camera as high in the air as you can, point down in the most flattering angle, be stoic or pouty, or somehow make eyes look 10x larger than they ever are in real life, snap photo. Bam! New Myspace profile picture created. Girls were proudly making duck lips with their mouths and pointing the camera down their shirts. (Still do, actually.)

Now I've started noticing that girls are all smiling in this one particular way where every girls' smile looks like the next. Has anyone else noticed this?? There is a certain way they curve their lips and use their chin, and then they incorporate their eyebrows and nose in making this face, and it kind of resembles a smile but a very universal one that other people are capable of doing as well. Or, maybe I'm the only person to notice it. I don't know because I've never talked to anyone about this. Maybe this is some kind of thing that the mind does after you've viewed a few too many consecutive pictures of smiles. Anyway, once, for fun, I tried to even make that face in the mirror and I couldn't do it. Then it dawned on me, these girls are PRACTICING this fake smile! If I'm being honest, for a second I was disappointed that I couldn't do it. Not that I needed to take a picture of myself doing it and make an Insta out of it, but I guess I wanted to see if I would look like all of the rest of them when I made the face. For a second.

Then I realized that I would prefer it if I never did. I don't want to blend in, I don't want to look everyone else…at least not right now. I have before though. Psh. I'm not here attempting to take some high road and claim to never have participated in taking a selfie or trying to find a flattering angle for a picture of myself, or even making duck lips. (Less complicated than this practiced smile trend going on, so I can.) I have done so, and will continue for as long as I'm human, to attempt to present the best version of myself most of the time, or at least wanting to. I'm not exempt from wanting to do that.

With all of our various social media outlets for revealing our vanity, it does happen frequently. And most of the time our vanity is disguised as something else, and widely accepted. (Hint: #ss, #tbt, #wcw, #mcm, #wbw -- which, translated mean: selfie Sunday, throwback Thursday, woman crush Wednesday, man crush Monday, and way back Wednesday. These are a few examples of hashtags I'm familiar with, which ultimately help promote our vanity in various forms, even sometimes being used by one individual to promote the vanity of another. i.e., #wcw/#mcm.) I know that it's not always the intent, and I'm not accusing anyone specifically of this. I'm just saying these are just a few of the ways that vanity is being concealed and snuck into our lives. Again, I'm not exempt of being a part of this.

…But something happened this past week that changed my perspective on flattering angles and special faces.

About a week ago, a new Facebook trend was brought to my attention. Usually when that happens I roll my eyes and ignore it, but this time I was intrigued. I wondered who started it, how long it had been "trending," and what the purpose for it was. The trend was a challenge by friends/to friends, to find and post five photos on their own Facebook timeline in which they feel beautiful.

If you haven't seen it, most of them read something like, "I was challenged by ______ to post 5 pictures I feel beautiful in, and I challenge ________ ." (With photos posted directly underneath.)

What caught my attention was that there was no apparent vanity going on in the photos I was seeing being posted by others. The difference with this new Facebook trend was that women all over the place were being challenged to choose just five photos to present themselves to the [Facebook] world, and they weren't choosing the expected, typical types of photos. It wasn't women only finding the pictures with the best angles, or the most edits and filters used--it was women choosing events/experiences/people/moments/memories, and then sharing photos that represent and encompass something they experienced that made them feel beautiful.

A couple examples of some of my friends' responses to this challenge:

 "Funny how when looking over the pictures I feel like the beauty came from the moment in and of itself and the people that it is shared with."  -Jenny Blake

"Mostly I just love the people I'm with."   -Amanda McCambridge

I was truly fascinated about this aspect of it. I felt it too when I was picking my own photos. (Yes, I accepted and shared the challenge.) It wasn't about what I looked like in the photos as much as the memories, and how I felt when the pictures were taken. And in the past several days I have been enjoying seeing the chosen pictures on my newsfeed. But not just pictures; they are snapshots of what reminds us that we are beautiful. And for a week, the women on Facebook, in some small way, have been ignoring the part of posting photos that allows vanity to sneak up on them. We are appreciating life by appreciating those moments with the people we love. 

Or, maybe this is just my perspective.

But if so, I'll just keep it that way.

Here's a new challenge: Go back and re-read the definitions I shared above, choose for yourself what you want to present, on Facebook and in life, and then work at doing that.